Up with Parrots, Down with Whoops

Uncle Mort had never heard of “support parrots,” but admits that he shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Seems like way too many of my friends are either sued or getting sued, but none of the squabbles involve birds,” he laughed. This was his jovial response upon reading recently that a New York City woman was awarded three-quarters of a million dollars when neighbors complained that her parrots were “too noisy.”

The birds’ owner, Meril Lesser, had lived in an apartment for several years before the legal battle started in 2015 when neighbors complained of the birds’ “noisiness.” No doubt Lesser and her parrots laughed all the way to the bank when the brouhaha was settled recently.

Damian Williams, U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, said the settlement is “the largest recovery the Department of Justice has ever obtained for a person with disabilities whose housing provider denied them their right to have assistance animals.”

Mort assumes that the ruling applies to fowl as well, and/or that perhaps New Yorkers lump anything that breathes into the animal category.

Anyways, the news set him to thinking about a possible “win-win” scheme that historically melts into a “lose-lose.”

It’s not Mort’s first experience with “comfort creatures.” Years ago, when he heard that whooping cranes were making a comeback, he almost helped out.

When their numbers were dangerously low, he offered a practical solution.

“Just take a bunch of ‘regular cranes’ and teach ‘em to whoop,” he suggested.

Now, he envisions making fast bucks rounding up the regular cranes down in the thicket.

Properly fed and nested, these birds could readily become support cranes, he believes. Since East Texas cranes aren’t known for whooping, Mort thinks those New Yorkers will pay big bucks when he labels ‘em “whoopless support cranes.”

A similar ploy went afoul years ago when Mort offered “support possums,” which he said didn’t stay awake long enough to provide much support.

While on the subject of whooping, there’s bound to be “record whoops” come Nov. 30 when Texas A&M University and the University of Texas hook up in College Station to resume a  football rivalry that never should have ended.

The Aggies and Longhorns played annually for 96 years, ending when A&M jumped to the Southeast Conference in 2011. For decades, the A&M/UT annual Thanksgiving showdowns were beyond memorable and featured nationally on TV.

Now, for crying out loud, the Aggie/Longhorn game has a SPONSOR--Cotton Holdings, Inc. I don’t even know what Cotton Holdings sells, but I’ll wager we’ll find out when the ads roll during the game. (Count me among those shedding tears that the game won’t be played on Thanksgiving Day, but at least on the same weekend.) I’m also in another “boo-hoo” group--the one that deeply misses amateur collegiate sports.

I’m not saying he’s the best quarterback EVER, but he may be the most generous athlete ever to come down the pike. The recent $5 million gift from Patrick Mahomes to his alma mater, Texas Tech University, is one of the largest ever by an athlete. Texas Tech fund-raisers must be gleeful, already dreaming of additional projects up the road warranting Patrick’s favor.

The current gift will go toward a $100+ million upgrade of Jones Stadium. Don’t be surprised if Buzz--the 12^th steed to gallop around the stadium when Red Raider touchdowns are scored--sports a fancy saddle with NIL markings (name/identification/likeness). This could be the first-ever NIL contract with a horse.

If the Fort Worth Star-Telegram had prevailed in 1925, Texas Tech teams would have been known as the “Dogies.” Late Star-Telegram publisher Amon Carter led the charge for the Texas Legislature to fund Texas Tech. In the mascot contest, however, Red Raiders won out. Maybe they were afraid that too many folks didn’t think the “guns up” crowd could spell “doggies.”

Dr. Newbury, longtime university president, continues to speak and write. The Idle American, begun in 2003, is one of the nation’s  longest-running syndicated humor columns. Contact: 817-447-3872. Email: newbury@speakerdoc.com. Website: www.speakerdoc.com.